The Fear Of Failure

Failure - an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful

If there's something about me that defines me in my entirety, it's the fact that I am a complete and utter perfectionist.

I've always remembered being this way even in primary school. I had to get everything done precisely and I wouldn't rest until everything was completed to my standards. I had to excel in everything. If I didn't like my handwriting on a page of notes for the Leaving Cert, I would rip out the page and write it again. I would draft out my homework at least once on a scrap of paper before transcribing it into my actual copy. For me, that was normal. For perfectionists, there is no in-between. It's 100% or you're a complete failure. Somewhere along the way however I feel like my perfectionism has turned into my worst nightmare. I mean, it's great when your inner-self wins over your wish to procrastinate and watch Netflix and you get things done and you do them well.  But it's starting to feel unhealthy, there's so much pressure to be my definition of perfect all of the time.

Why? I'm afraid of failure. I have a constant fear of failing and not being good enough. 
The feeling of failure was exacerbated at school. However, in a way school helped me because in class success is quantifiable. But take away teachers and parents and friends, I'm my own problem. I want so badly for myself to do well. The problem with this entire situation is that I don't know to step back. I don't know how to step back from my work and responsibilities because if I do I just feel guilty. Watching a TV episode is near impossible when you have a constant shadow reminding me of all of the other things I could be doing.

I always had people at school say "Your notes are so perfect" or "How are you so organised all of the time?" It's not that I  wanted to be I needed to.  Let's look at a more modern example; this blog. I could spend at least half an hour re-drafting just the title of a post. I could spend over an hour re-arranging the order of words or changing the words completely. I could edit the same picture ten times and still not be happy with it. Ultimately, I'm my own worst enemy. The fear of failing is attenuating. It makes me worry about my ability to pursue the future desire. It makes me worry about how smart I really am. The fear of failing makes me worry about disappointing people whose opinion I value. I always tend to tell myself people beforehand that I don’t expect to succeed in order to lower their my expectations of me.

When did failure become this lurking amorphous concept that we are so afraid of? A part of embracing imperfection is letting failure, this ominous unthinkable thing, be a part of our lives. As  Eloise Ristad says "When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel.”